Rising Star

My darling daughter Alex had her artwork selected to be in a student art show for the Arts Alliance in Elk River. There was one piece per grade selected and hers was it. Yay! It's nice to know she has some creative juices like her mother. She tells me all the time she wants to be an artist like her mommy. I laugh and tell her all the time as long as she makes money and isn't a "starving" artist then that is fine with me. That girl is such a joy. But really, children are such a joy.

Journal Therapy

A very good friend of mine at work recently learned of my separation. She kept hugging me and telling me I was a strong person and so beautiful how dare he just up and leave me. Anyway, I was telling her about how I keep gathering all of these thoughts in my head for the day I am brave enough to finally tell him how I really feel about the whole situation.

For you see, every time I had a conversation with him during our rough times, I would be so anxious, panic filled and feeling desperate that I could never gather my thoughts and I would completely blank out. I wanted to write important things down, which would make him so angry. I could also barely get thru a conversation without sobbing and barely being able to cope, which again, he hated and would be so impatient with me.

I was telling my friend how now that I've come out of my fog and feel bitterness and rage and sadness that I someday want to express to him, she asked if I was writing those thoughts down so I wouldnt forget about them.

So when I got to work there was a beautiful journal at my desk, from my friend. This of course brought me to tears because of her thoughtfulness. It's so pretty in fact, I don't want to write hateful things in it, but it's all part of the process.

So, a little journal therapy is on the way for this gal and I'm hoping I am finally able to find those unspoken words I so desperately needed to say. For someday, they shall be said.

Double the Fun

Well, no wonder I have been so grumpy. Went to the Target clinic and found out I have a double ear infection.

Awesome.

Never ad one in my life and at the ripe old age of 33 got my first one.

And to make matters worse but call it mothers intuition...I took Alex in after I got off work (make that a hellish day of work)and yep, you guessed it.

She has a double ear infection too.

Double awesome.

I hope to feel better soon.

Rachel

Sick

I've been feeling sick and crummy...hence no energy to post. I even took Tuesday off to rest and feel better, which is something I never do. I worked late tonight and am now paying for it. I have a weird ear ache and can barely hear anything. Ug. No good.

My weepy state is still here and I fear it is here to stay awhile. I'm experiencing a large range of emotions, mostly missing my husband with such an intensity I hurt all over. Just writing this has made me tear up. It's still so fresh and painful and I feel it most when he has the girls for the night. I ask myself everyday why he threw me away with such coldness and no remorse. And I believe I finally have the answer...he was feeling so guilty that in order for him to survive it he had to harden his heart in order to survive his guilt and deal with my own pain, accusations and rage toward him.

I loved that boy boy deeply and I have to learn how to let go and move on. As hard as it may be I have to do it for my own sanity. I just wish there was a shortcut from all of the pain.

Until later my friends.

Part of me is Missing

Going through a divorce has been the single most devastating thing to happen to me. It even trumps any funerals I've been to....at least the family funerals I've been to for my elderly relatives and yes, they were sad, but they lived full lives went to be with God.

For me, the process of this divorce has been like a death. Only worse. The depression, hurt, sadness, humiliation, grieving and anger are all emotions I feel on a daily basis.

This post is already sounding pretty morbid, but sometimes you have to talk about the messy parts of life too. This weekend has been painful and lonely and scary because the girls were with their father for the weekend. I thought I would be fine, get a lot done, go work out and get a little shopping done. Instead I mostly sat around in a bad mood, cried, watched too much TV and ate too much junk food.

I even attempted to put together a night stand for my daughters bedroom and was so frustrated I pretty much lost it. When I realized I didn't even know how to put the drill together, I broke down and threw it out the back door as far as i could throw. Not to mention I ran outside in my pink bathrobe with a shovel to pry open the shed in the freezing cold, search for the drill with no light and whack at the door...repeatedly. Paints a pretty picture, ha?

Anyway, when I finally found the drill and all of the parts I couldn't figure out how to put it together. Go figure, right? So I kind of lost it. I cried and threw the drill out the door and I cried some more.

I felt defeated. And alone. So very, very alone.

It was a breaking point for me...I didn't have my kids and I don't have my husband anymore. And never will. Ever. It was like a little part if me officially died last night.

Luckily I have the best friend ever and when her and her husband came over to get their pug, who I dog sat for over the weekend, they stayed for a few hours so I. Could just talk. About the divorce, how things are going, my hurt and most of all then rage I. Am feeling toward the man who left me and broke my family apart.

He broke me. Me, the happy shining person that I am. Or rather was. It's all of the little things like needing him here to run a stupid drill. Someone to laugh with...talk with...cry with...be hugged and held.

Well, he has chosen a different path now and I must accept that. Or rather, I need to pull myself together, pick myself up off the floor and carry on.

I can't even sign my post "love the Mrs." which was my fave thing to do. Anyway, have a good week y'all.

Luvs.

Really? It's Been That Kinda Week.

I've been working like a dog and my BFF just sent me this image which pretty much sums up my week. Working until 10 p.m. two nights in a row, then midnight last night. Good, meaning we have lots of work and are super busy...bad because then mamma doesn't get any sleep and I am crabby. I don't do well without a whole lotta sleep. Not well at all.....

Here is to a peaceful weekend with Milley the kitty and my BFF's cute little pug Dewey. Well, let's hope it's peaceful and I'm not breaking up any fights!

Milley the Kitty

I'm Milley, the sweetest kitty ever!

 We adopted! I am so excited to show off our perfect new kitty. Her name is Milley and she is a sweet little cuddle bug. The girls and I went to the rescue shelter yesterday and she looked at us with her beautiful green eyes and we knew we had to have her:) She is five months old, a calico, and very curious. She is our newest little family member and we love her to pieces. My husband always said he never wanted a cat in the house and since he has moved out, I need somebody to love me and be a companion. It sure gets lonely after a separation. He doesn't have a say anymore, thought, right? A little back handedness? For sure, but a little part of me is being vindictive and I don't give a crap what he thinks. That bus has left a long time ago! After all, she is my new "bed" mate and a damn better snuggler!

To Milley...