What's Up People???

I am normal. I am happy.

Hmmm...that's what I keep telling myself but boy is it true. I have come such a loooooong looooong way since October of last year, when the demise of my marriage was imminent.

The divorce was finalized a month ago and if ever there was a better word to describe me, it is STRONG. FIERCE. AMAZING.

Because I have moved forward with my life and it FEELS GREAT!!!

I ALSO RAN A 1/2 MARATHON!!!

That was 13.1 miles of sweat and tears. I set a goal in January to keep my mind off the shitty things going on in my life and it sure helped me focus. I did it for the girls. I did it for myself. It was such a relief to meet those goals, they certainly kept me going.

 My girlfriend and I finished a half marathon!

My darling daughters completed a kids triathlon - SO PROUD!

Life is good people and I am finally back!!!

And So It Begins

The journey has been long and arduous.

Sad. Painful. Hurt. Anger. Devastation. Fearful. Stressed. Pissed Off. Depressed. Tearful. Strong. Hopeful. Vengeful.

You name it, I've had all of these emotions ranging through my small person in the last six months. It's been hard dealing with one person's decisions and not having any control over it.

All I know is I am strong. A wonderful mother and friend. And a survivor.

The papers were filed on Friday by my soon to be ex-spouse. It's hard to put into words what I was feeling. I was glad to get the show on the road, but sad to know a ten year marriage is coming to an end.

Well then.

More to come on this particular subject!

A Lovely Day

Happy Easter people!!! It was a beautiful sunny day today and I'm grateful for many things. This was the first holiday I was not surrounded by my family and children, as they were with their father.

It was also the first Easter I did not attend church and I have some very mixed feelings about that. I just didn't have the strength to go by myself. I know I should feel loved and safe and full of faith in my congregation, but the thought of going alone and opening the floodgates just didn't appeal. I cry every time I go to church because I feel the pain and grief the most when I reflect in the sanctuary. And for selfish reasons, I wanted to be happy today and not flooded with grief or tears.

I am making such good progress lately and I'm healing. I have moved on and started to forgive myself for feeling so miserable and depressed. It was part of the grieving process and I'm feeling stronger and healthier every day. I also talked to a new friend last night who has gone through the exact same thing as me. He has such good advice and we were able to share our stories with a bit of uh our and laughter. I finally felt normal and really thought to myself...I can do this, I am not alone with my hurt, anger, grief, and feelings. I am ready to moveon I the next chapter of my life.

After our conversation, I think I was glowing. Oh yes indeed. So because of that, I felt great today and was able to spend the holiday by myself. He left me with a little something and it goes like this....

God grant me the serenity To accept the things I can not change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Love you all.

Hunger Games!!!

Are you excited???? Are ya? Are ya? Well I am because the show opens at midnight tonight!!!! I'm not going to it at midnight(please people, I value my sleep) but I am going tomorrow night and I'm really excited!!!

Have you read the book? It took me exactly two whole days to read it from beginning to end. Then I ran out and bought the next two. Because I was hooked... No wait make that obsessed!

OMG! Girls night out and we are all going to rock the side braid and and hunger games tshirts. Woot!!!

I will report in tmorrow....good night ya'll.

Spring is Here?

Well then.

Spring is surely here...actually it skipped over spring and went straight to summer here in Minnesota. It's a whopping 80 degrees on St. Pattys Day (two days ago) and in the high 70's just days following.

What the heck??? This is almost unheard of! We usually don't usher in spring until late April, early May. This is AMAZING!!! It usually even snows a few days on April but all of the weather guys are saying it just won't happen because it's so warm.

Well then.

The Lorax was Seussariffic!!!

What a terrific movie!!! Beautiful graphics, great music and a wonderful story line. If you have kids, I highly recommend going to see it.

It was Dr. Seuss's 96th birthday yesterday and the kids have been learning all about him this past week. Aliyah has been eagerly reading her favorite books and miss Alex has been reciting little nuggets of information all over the place.

So if you haven't yet, go see the show:)

Family

Family means a lot to me and when I stumbled upon this little gem, I was in alt. Just look at this! I have had a lot of support and helping hands in the last few months, and I have come to value those friends. They listen, don't judge, give encouraging words, and are always there when I need a pick me up. So I wish I could create a "friend tree" as well. Happy Friday everyone!

Days Off

 It's not easy being Milley!

 We adore our kitty!

Aliyah (right) and friend Zoe on their playdate

Because it is our mighty Presidents day, the girls have the day off from school. I love these kind of days, which is another day off rolling from the weekend. It's makes it long and I feel like I got a lot done and finally feel rested. Love that feeling!

I like being able to get some work done around the house, snack on everything in site, get caught up on personal projects (wedding invites for a great friend), pay some bills, and catch up on my favorite blog sites which is usually only about once or twice a week. So it's like opening up a much anticipated magazine (Real Simple is my fav, along with Martha Stewart) and reading from cover to end.

The girls had a few play dates today which always makes the day that much more fun. Alex was picked up this morning by a friend and they went to the YMCA to play basketball, swim, and go to her friends house afterward. Aliyah and I also went to the Y to swim with her friends Zoe and Lily. Zoe came to our house afterward, I bought them lunch and after they snuggled on the couch to watch some TV and migrated to the floor to play some games. Now they are tearing up the house, chasing after Milley and I can hear them hooting on the saxophone.

Ahhh, children. They are such a blessing. My life feels so much more complete with my darling daughters and I thank Him everyday for them!!! Except when they are being sassy bad and stealing my fresh, perfect lipstick tubes.......

Rising Star

My darling daughter Alex had her artwork selected to be in a student art show for the Arts Alliance in Elk River. There was one piece per grade selected and hers was it. Yay! It's nice to know she has some creative juices like her mother. She tells me all the time she wants to be an artist like her mommy. I laugh and tell her all the time as long as she makes money and isn't a "starving" artist then that is fine with me. That girl is such a joy. But really, children are such a joy.

Journal Therapy

A very good friend of mine at work recently learned of my separation. She kept hugging me and telling me I was a strong person and so beautiful how dare he just up and leave me. Anyway, I was telling her about how I keep gathering all of these thoughts in my head for the day I am brave enough to finally tell him how I really feel about the whole situation.

For you see, every time I had a conversation with him during our rough times, I would be so anxious, panic filled and feeling desperate that I could never gather my thoughts and I would completely blank out. I wanted to write important things down, which would make him so angry. I could also barely get thru a conversation without sobbing and barely being able to cope, which again, he hated and would be so impatient with me.

I was telling my friend how now that I've come out of my fog and feel bitterness and rage and sadness that I someday want to express to him, she asked if I was writing those thoughts down so I wouldnt forget about them.

So when I got to work there was a beautiful journal at my desk, from my friend. This of course brought me to tears because of her thoughtfulness. It's so pretty in fact, I don't want to write hateful things in it, but it's all part of the process.

So, a little journal therapy is on the way for this gal and I'm hoping I am finally able to find those unspoken words I so desperately needed to say. For someday, they shall be said.

Double the Fun

Well, no wonder I have been so grumpy. Went to the Target clinic and found out I have a double ear infection.

Awesome.

Never ad one in my life and at the ripe old age of 33 got my first one.

And to make matters worse but call it mothers intuition...I took Alex in after I got off work (make that a hellish day of work)and yep, you guessed it.

She has a double ear infection too.

Double awesome.

I hope to feel better soon.

Rachel

Sick

I've been feeling sick and crummy...hence no energy to post. I even took Tuesday off to rest and feel better, which is something I never do. I worked late tonight and am now paying for it. I have a weird ear ache and can barely hear anything. Ug. No good.

My weepy state is still here and I fear it is here to stay awhile. I'm experiencing a large range of emotions, mostly missing my husband with such an intensity I hurt all over. Just writing this has made me tear up. It's still so fresh and painful and I feel it most when he has the girls for the night. I ask myself everyday why he threw me away with such coldness and no remorse. And I believe I finally have the answer...he was feeling so guilty that in order for him to survive it he had to harden his heart in order to survive his guilt and deal with my own pain, accusations and rage toward him.

I loved that boy boy deeply and I have to learn how to let go and move on. As hard as it may be I have to do it for my own sanity. I just wish there was a shortcut from all of the pain.

Until later my friends.

Part of me is Missing

Going through a divorce has been the single most devastating thing to happen to me. It even trumps any funerals I've been to....at least the family funerals I've been to for my elderly relatives and yes, they were sad, but they lived full lives went to be with God.

For me, the process of this divorce has been like a death. Only worse. The depression, hurt, sadness, humiliation, grieving and anger are all emotions I feel on a daily basis.

This post is already sounding pretty morbid, but sometimes you have to talk about the messy parts of life too. This weekend has been painful and lonely and scary because the girls were with their father for the weekend. I thought I would be fine, get a lot done, go work out and get a little shopping done. Instead I mostly sat around in a bad mood, cried, watched too much TV and ate too much junk food.

I even attempted to put together a night stand for my daughters bedroom and was so frustrated I pretty much lost it. When I realized I didn't even know how to put the drill together, I broke down and threw it out the back door as far as i could throw. Not to mention I ran outside in my pink bathrobe with a shovel to pry open the shed in the freezing cold, search for the drill with no light and whack at the door...repeatedly. Paints a pretty picture, ha?

Anyway, when I finally found the drill and all of the parts I couldn't figure out how to put it together. Go figure, right? So I kind of lost it. I cried and threw the drill out the door and I cried some more.

I felt defeated. And alone. So very, very alone.

It was a breaking point for me...I didn't have my kids and I don't have my husband anymore. And never will. Ever. It was like a little part if me officially died last night.

Luckily I have the best friend ever and when her and her husband came over to get their pug, who I dog sat for over the weekend, they stayed for a few hours so I. Could just talk. About the divorce, how things are going, my hurt and most of all then rage I. Am feeling toward the man who left me and broke my family apart.

He broke me. Me, the happy shining person that I am. Or rather was. It's all of the little things like needing him here to run a stupid drill. Someone to laugh with...talk with...cry with...be hugged and held.

Well, he has chosen a different path now and I must accept that. Or rather, I need to pull myself together, pick myself up off the floor and carry on.

I can't even sign my post "love the Mrs." which was my fave thing to do. Anyway, have a good week y'all.

Luvs.

Really? It's Been That Kinda Week.

I've been working like a dog and my BFF just sent me this image which pretty much sums up my week. Working until 10 p.m. two nights in a row, then midnight last night. Good, meaning we have lots of work and are super busy...bad because then mamma doesn't get any sleep and I am crabby. I don't do well without a whole lotta sleep. Not well at all.....

Here is to a peaceful weekend with Milley the kitty and my BFF's cute little pug Dewey. Well, let's hope it's peaceful and I'm not breaking up any fights!

Milley the Kitty

I'm Milley, the sweetest kitty ever!

 We adopted! I am so excited to show off our perfect new kitty. Her name is Milley and she is a sweet little cuddle bug. The girls and I went to the rescue shelter yesterday and she looked at us with her beautiful green eyes and we knew we had to have her:) She is five months old, a calico, and very curious. She is our newest little family member and we love her to pieces. My husband always said he never wanted a cat in the house and since he has moved out, I need somebody to love me and be a companion. It sure gets lonely after a separation. He doesn't have a say anymore, thought, right? A little back handedness? For sure, but a little part of me is being vindictive and I don't give a crap what he thinks. That bus has left a long time ago! After all, she is my new "bed" mate and a damn better snuggler!

To Milley...

Me.

This is me, as I posted it several years ago. I love this image. Call it the wild hair. Sadly, neither one of my daughters inherited it, but maybe that was a blessing?

Oh, this is going to be so much fun! I love my writing and I have so much to say.....

Until tomorrow my lovelies:)

Love Rachel

I'm BACK!

To my blogging family, I have been absent for a year now, due to major life changes. It's been a wild journey and I have missed my writing and blogging friends.

Due to some major personal issues, I decided to delete my blog. It was an impulse, but something I had to do at the time. I searched in vain for a way to get my blog back, but after you have deleted it, it's gone for good.

So.

I am replicating it the best I can because I adore the layout, the style, the design, everything about it. The next few years of my life are going to be challenging, full of angst, sadness, bitterness, but most of all blazing a trail back to happiness.

I have decided to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and BEE CALM AND CARRY ON.

And to my surprise, I was able to get the exact same name back for my blog.

SuperMom is back. It's going to be stellar.

Love you all,
Rachel