Sunday, January 29, 2012

Part of me is Missing

Going through a divorce has been the single most devastating thing to happen to me. It even trumps any funerals I've been least the family funerals I've been to for my elderly relatives and yes, they were sad, but they lived full lives went to be with God.

For me, the process of this divorce has been like a death. Only worse. The depression, hurt, sadness, humiliation, grieving and anger are all emotions I feel on a daily basis.

This post is already sounding pretty morbid, but sometimes you have to talk about the messy parts of life too. This weekend has been painful and lonely and scary because the girls were with their father for the weekend. I thought I would be fine, get a lot done, go work out and get a little shopping done. Instead I mostly sat around in a bad mood, cried, watched too much TV and ate too much junk food.

I even attempted to put together a night stand for my daughters bedroom and was so frustrated I pretty much lost it. When I realized I didn't even know how to put the drill together, I broke down and threw it out the back door as far as i could throw. Not to mention I ran outside in my pink bathrobe with a shovel to pry open the shed in the freezing cold, search for the drill with no light and whack at the door...repeatedly. Paints a pretty picture, ha?

Anyway, when I finally found the drill and all of the parts I couldn't figure out how to put it together. Go figure, right? So I kind of lost it. I cried and threw the drill out the door and I cried some more.

I felt defeated. And alone. So very, very alone.

It was a breaking point for me...I didn't have my kids and I don't have my husband anymore. And never will. Ever. It was like a little part if me officially died last night.

Luckily I have the best friend ever and when her and her husband came over to get their pug, who I dog sat for over the weekend, they stayed for a few hours so I. Could just talk. About the divorce, how things are going, my hurt and most of all then rage I. Am feeling toward the man who left me and broke my family apart.

He broke me. Me, the happy shining person that I am. Or rather was. It's all of the little things like needing him here to run a stupid drill. Someone to laugh with...cry hugged and held.

Well, he has chosen a different path now and I must accept that. Or rather, I need to pull myself together, pick myself up off the floor and carry on.

I can't even sign my post "love the Mrs." which was my fave thing to do. Anyway, have a good week y'all.


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